A. I.,
Alien Insanity

Commie Aliens

EXT.  THE BLACKNESS OF OUTER SPACE

These famous words roll across the screen.  

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…  

STAR
WARS

Suddenly, A LOUD CRASHING, BANGING, AND EXPLOSIONS ARE HEARD.  They seem to come from everywhere.  

Unknown Person’s Words On The Screen
We are sorry for any inconvenience, but the DVD that we were about to play and that you were all waiting to watch just exploded in the drive.  So instead of refunding all your tickets, like a good movie theater should, we’ve decided to give you another movie to watch.  Granted, it won’t be as good, but we don’t loose money on your tickets and you get a movie to watch.  There, everybody wins.  By the way, my second cousin, three times removed, made this film.  

Cut to:





A. I.,
Alien Insanity

Commie Aliens



INT.  RUSSELL’S HOUSE---DAY

RUSSELL, a long-haired older teenager, is sitting in his room chatting on the computer and DRINKING A RED BULL.  

Justin (his AIM message)
Whacha doin?  

Russell (his AIM message)
Drinking a Red Bull.

Justin (his AIM message)
You know those make you sprout wings don’t you?  

Russell (his AIM message)
Really!  Cool!  

Russell
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  

RUSSELL SPROUTS WINGS, but they unbalance him so much that he tips over in his chair.  He jumps out the window and flys away into the sky.  

Cut to:




INT. THE RADAR ROOM OF AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER

Use scenes from Top Gun in this scene.  

A radar screen with a blinking light on it appears on the screen.  

Lieutenant
Sir we have a booby in sector three.  

Captain
Don’t you mean a bogy, lieutenant?  

Lieutenant
We’ve been at sea a long, long time sir.  

Captain
Where and what is it?  

Cut to:



EXT. THE SKY OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN---DAY

Russell is flying through the sky over the Pacific Ocean while talking on his cell phone with Justin.  

Russell
So, yeah, Justin, I’m heading over to your house in Hawaii to show you my new wings.  

Justin (V. O.)
Sounds cool, I can’t wait to see them.  Bye.  

An alien spaceship cuts Russell off, it is waving the banner: hang up and fly!  Russell flips it off.  

Cut to:




INT. THE RADAR ROOM OF AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER

Use scenes from Top Gun in this scene.  

A radar screen with two blinking lights near each other on it appears on the screen.  

Lieutenant
Sir we have two boobies in sector three now.  

Captain
Shut up, lieutenant!  I can see perfectly fine!  They’re getting too close to the carrier, launch the F-14’s!  

Lieutenant
Yes, sir.  (Bellows into microphone)  Launch the F-14’s!  

Scenes taken from Top Gun show the F-14’s launching, flying, and firing missiles at Russell and the alien spaceship.  Russell dives and HANGS ONTO THE ALIEN SPACESHIP to avoid being hit with a missile.  

Cut to:




INT. THE COCKPIT OF THE ALIEN SPACESHIP---DAY

One missile passes the spaceship; another explodes right next to it.  Inside the cockpit, it is complete chaos, as another explosion rocks the cockpit.  An older man whose hair is graying, and what looks to be an older teenager, with messy reddish-brown hair are thrown about.  

Alien (Evan)
They’re firing missiles!  Butler, I mean, pilot, get us out of here!  

Alien Pilot (Butler)
Yes sir! Warp five!  

A huge WORMHOLE OPEANS right in front of the ship.  

Alien (Evan)
AAAAAAA!!!  We’ve opened a wormhole!  

The ship’s engines whine and strain against the tremendous gravitational attraction of the wormhole.  

Alien Pilot (Butler)
Master Evan, our engines can’t hold the strain; we’re getting sucked in!  

The ship slowly descends, spiraling faster and faster, tighter, and tighter, as is sucked into the wormhole.  

Alien (Evan)
Well, look at the bright side, maybe this’ll take us to strippers ‘r’ us a lot faster than that crowded interstellar expressway.  

Alien Pilot (Butler)
Or we might be sucked into an alternate universe where we are all instantly eaten by a galaxy-size space monster.  

Alien (Evan)
Well, that’s the chances you take to see some really hot alien girls.  

Alien Pilot (Butler)
As the man who used to be your family’s butler, I really think that you should not have stolen your parents star cruiser, kidnapped me to fly it, and tried to make it to strippers ‘r’ us and back before your parents notice.  

Alien (Evan)
As I said before, that’s the chances you take to see some really hot alien girls.  Plus, “wanted for grand theft spacecraft,” makes a really cool pickup line.  

Alien Pilot (Butler)
*Sigh* (Rolls his eyes)  

The ship and Russell’s dangling figure get SUCKED DOWN THE WORMHOLE at an incredible speed.  

Dissolve to:




EXT. THE SURFACE OF A LARGE, PINK PLANET---DAY

The SMOKING REMNANTS of the alien spacecraft are scattered across the planet’s surface.  
Alien (Evan)
Oh, Great!  Butler, how am I going to explain this to my parents?  And worse, how am I going to get to strippers ‘r’ us?  

He looks around and SEES THE DEAD CORPSE of his pilot / butler.  

Alien (Evan)
Oh, crap! Thanks a lot for dieing!  How am I going to explain this?  

Evan the alien gets up, shrugs his shoulders, and walks off.  

Cut to:




EXT. THE SURFACE OF A LARGE, PINK PLANET---DAY

As Evan the alien walks around the smoking remnants of the alien spacecraft that are scattered around, he FINDS RUSSELL lying unconscious among them.  

Alien (Evan)
Hey, dude with the wings, get up!  

RUSSELL GETS UP.

Russell
Huh?  Wha-what up.  

Alien (Evan)
What happened to you wings?  

Russell
They only stay as long as the Red Bull is still in you.  

Alien (Evan)
How long ago did you drink it?  

Russell
What’s it to you?  (Pauses)  What’s your name anyway?  

Alien (Evan)
My name is Evan, and I need to get home to my homeworld of Zog.  I was hoping you could fly me there.  Can you?  

Russell
Got a Red Bull?  

Evan
Crap! How am I ever going to get to strippers ‘r’ us now?  

Russell
Strippers!  Oh, me to!  

Evan
(Cringes)  
Eeeeeeeww!  

Russell
No!  I mean I want to see them too!  

Evan
Oh, phew, I thought…  

Russell
Don’t say it!  

Evan
So anyway…  

Russell
Question…  If you’re an alien, why do you look human, have a human name like Evan, and speak English?  

Evan
Humm…  Nice low budget, I mean low clouds, pink clouds today.  

Russell
Hey, look, a town off in the distance!  
Evan
Lets go explore it, maybe they have a strippers ‘r’ us.  

Russell
Exactly what I was thinking!  

They leave and begin to walk toward the town.  

Dissolve to:




EXT. A CITY ON THE SURFACE OF A LARGE, PINK PLANET---DAY

Russell and Evan WALK THROUGH THE DESERTED STREETS of the alien world.   Everything in this alien town looks strangely similar to a human city on Earth.  

Russell
Huh…  This is weird, this place looks just like the city I lived in on Earth.  

Evan
Oh, no!  That just confirmed my worst fears!  

Russell
And they are?…  

Evan
Well, because this city is similar, but not the same as the one you left on your homeworld--  

Russell
Like the fact that there are no people.  

Evan
Yes, exactly!  But anyway, since it is not exactly the same, I believe we are in an alternate universe.  

Russell
So…  

Evan
So this alternate universe may not have a strippers ‘r’ us.  

Russell
Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!  

Evan
Or it might, we really can’t tell.  

All of a sudden THEY HEAR A SOUND coming from one of the houses they are near.  It sounds like moaning and giggling.  

Evan
Do you hear that?  

Russell
Yeah.  Are you thinking it’s what I’m thinking it is?  

Evan
Definitely.  Wanna check it out?  

Russell
Way ahead of you.  

Russell is already walking up the front walk as he says this.  

Russell
Come on!  If this is what I think it is, this should be fun.  

RUSSELL reaches the door first, OPEANS THE DOOR, and they both step inside.  In here the noise is much louder than it was outside the house.  

Cut to:




INT.  A STRANGE HOUSE THAT LOOKS ODDLY FAMILIAR---DAY

Russell and Evan walk over toward a set of stairs inside the house.  There are moaning and giggling noises coming from the second floor.  

Evan
Yes! These sounds…  

They are running now, quickly up the stairs, driven by pure passion and lust.  

Russell
How many do you think there are?  

Evan
Only one way to find out.  

Evan pushes open the door, and HE AND RUSSELL BURST IN.  Inside the room there is a group of hot chicks.  

Russell
Hot chicks!  Score!  

Evan
I think we’ve found paradise…  Or strippers ‘r’ us, it doesn’t really matter.  

A stunningly beautiful young girl named ISABELLA APPROCHES the two boys.  She is well built with a soft completion and features.  Very scantily clad, she walks softly and seductively over to them.  

Isabella
You two gentlemen look lovely.  What are your names?  

Evan
Gentlemen!  Where?  

Russell
I think the hot chick means us.  Hi, I’m Russell.  

Evan
Oh…  Right, hi, I’m Evan.  

Isabella
You gentlemen look hot; maybe you should take off your clothes.  

Evan & Russell
Score!  (They high five each other)  

Evan and Russell BEGIN TO REMOVE THEIR SHIRTS and all the girls in the room BEGIN TO REMOVE THEIR CLOTHES.   (Underwear and bras stay on in this scene, and camera angles are used to ensure that nothing is actually shown.)  

Isabella
My friends and I would like to know which of you has the bigger dick?  

Evan & Russell
(They both point to themselves)  
Me! Oh I do!  

Isabella
(She points to Russell)  
Well you said it first, so you must be more sure of yourself, and hence you have a bigger dick.  

Russell
(Laughs at Evan)  
In your face, my alien friend!  

Isabella
You’re very lucky, what you’ve got is going straight to our goddess; she’s been in need of something like yours for a while.  

Russell
A goddess!  Oh yeah, jackpot!  

Evan
Hey! What about me?  I was the one who noticed you people here anyway.  

Isabella
Do not worry, Evan; you will get your turn.  Unfortunately, you will not get a goddess, but you can have all us lowly priestesses.  

Evan
Good enough for me.  

Isabella
(To the girl standing behind her)  
Cristina, prepare for the sacrifice.  

Russell
Whoa!  What sacrifice?  

Cristina
This sacrifice.  

At that moment, Cristina, who is pretty, and similar in appearance to Isabella, but not as stunningly beautiful, PULLS OUT A PAIR OF GARDEN CLIPPERS from under a blanket that was lying on the floor.  

Russell
No!  Unuh!  No way!  

Cristina
But your penis must be sacrificed so that the goddess can enjoy it.  It is a great honor to be chosen.  

Russell
Why mine?

Isabella
Because the goddess demands that the largest dick is to be sacrificed to her.  

Russell
But what if I was lying, and Evan’s is really bigger.  

Cristina
Were you?  

Russell
Actually, um, yes.  

Isabella
So which of the two of you really has the bigger penis?  

Evan & Russell
(They both point to each other)  
Him!  

Isabella
Oh, well, we’ll just have to cut off both your dicks.  

Evan
This situation has a, um, lot of potential, but I really don’t think we should stick around.  

Russell
Yeah, let’s get out of here fast!  

Isabella
Awww, come on, stick around; I think you’re hot.  

Evan
Humm…  But we do need a girl.  

Russell
Yeah, otherwise we’re just two boring single losers, I mean guys.  

Cristina
They refuse the ceremony!  Priestesses, get them!  

Cristina and all the other girls in the room DRAW knives, saws, and other WEAPONS from under blankets and beds.  THEY then ADVANCE on Evan and Russell.  

Evan
Here!  

HE THROWS a 9-mm semiautomatic PISTOL TO RUSSELL, and Russell caches it with ease.  

Evan
I got that off a human I killed a while ago.  

Cristina
Now, priestesses!  Charge!  

Cristina and the other priestesses run across the room, SWINGING THEIR various bladed WEAPONS.  RUSSELL RAISES HIS GUN to fire it.  

Evan
Wait, Russell, we might be able to solve this peacefully, so we can score with them later.  

Cristina
(Motions for the other girls to stop and they do.)  
Only if you let us cut off your dicks.  

Evan
Screw that!  

Evan grabs Isabella, spins her around, and DRAWS HIS LASER PISTOL and puts it to her head.  

Isabella
Hey! What the hell are you trying to pull!  

Evan
Hah!  Cristina, you and you dumb, dumb priestesses have been defeated!  If you move a step closer to us, I’ll blow off high priestess Isabella’s head.  

Cristina
That doesn’t matter if she’s not the high priestess.  

Isabella
But I am!  

Cristina
Not anymore.  

Cristina reaches down and GRABS THE PAIR OF GARDEN CLIPPERS that Isabella had dropped on the floor.  

Cristina
Hah! Now I have the great garden clippers of our goddess of our planet, Wienerworld.  Now I am the high priestess!  

Evan & Russell
*snicker*  Wienerworld  *snicker*  

Cristina
You think that’s funny?  

At Cristina’s silent command, two priestesses rush at Russell, one of them hits him behind the head, the other one grabs his gun.  

Russell
Hey!  

He elbows the priestess behind him with his elbow.  Now the priestess that hit him in the head was knocked into the wall, unconscious.  

Priestess # 1
Since you won’t cooperate, eat this!  

The priestess holding the gun pulls the trigger, and nothing happens, except for a small click.  

Evan
Oh, I suppose I forgot to reload it.  

The priestess throws the gun to the floor in disgust.    

Isabella
But even if you have the great garden clippers, you still cannot be the high priestess unless the original high priestess is…dead.  Oh…  

Cristina
Your slow little brain has finally gotten it.  You begin to realize the truth: that no one likes you.  

Russell
We do!  

Evan
Russell!  Don’t stick up for her, if they forget about us, we might just be able to sneak out and leave without them cutting off our dicks.  

Russell
But even an alien like you must realize that, by watching all the TV signals that we beam out into space that rescuing a hot girl is how most porno films start.  

Cristina
Time for the three of you to die!  

Evan
Actually, you know, running is a very good idea.  Run!  

EVAN GRABS ISABELLA by the arm, and the three of them RUN OUT THE DOOR.  

Cristina
Get back here!  The goddess needs you two boy’s dicks, and I need a legitimate reason to replace you, Isabella.  

The three of them run down the stairs, out the front door, and into the street.  

Cut to:




EXT. A CITY ON THE SURFACE OF A LARGE, PINK PLANET---DAY

Russell and Evan RUN THROUGH THE DESERTED STREETS of the alien city with Isabella in tow.   Everything in this alien town looks strangely similar to a human city on Earth.  

Russell
You know what?  I just thought up a good name for these dumb girls that are chasing us.  The “dick chicks” get it; they’re trying to cut off our dicks!  Hahaha!  

Evan
Russell! They’re gaining as it is, don’t insult them, they’ll just run faster!  

Cristina, waving her pair of garden clippers, and her priestess minions, waving their weapons, begin to run faster, and catch up with the three escapees.  

Cristina
We’ve almost got them now, run faster!  

Evan
Crap!  

Russell
Hey, wait, you’re an alien, can’t you just get rid of them with all your futuristic technology?  

Evan
Well, I don’t think that that’s a good idea, with us being in an alternate universe and all.  

Russell
Well, it’s either that, or we all get our dicks cut off.  

Isabella
Cept me, though, I don’t have one.  

Russell
No, you just get killed because Cristina wants to be high priestess.  

Isabella
AAAA!!!  You’re right, do something, what’s-your-face-alien-dude!  

Evan
‘K, here goes.  

Evan pulls out a phaser and brandishes it at the advancing priestesses.  

Evan
Eat phaser beams!   

He PULLS THE TRIGGER and it does nothing, he tries it again, and it still does nothing.  

Evan
See, I was right; it doesn’t work in an alternate universe!  

Russell
Ok, you were right, we’re all screwed.  

The priestesses advance closer, and Evan pulls out a short metal tube.  

Evan
No, if this doesn’t work, then we’re all screwed.  Eat lightsaber, priestess scum!  

Evan CLICKS THE BUTTON on the lightsaber, but all it does is activate, sputter for a second, then deactivate.  

Evan
Piece of junk!  

The priestesses advance even closer, and now there is the possibility that they will be completely surrounded.  

Evan
That’s it!  The only reason that my weapons don’t work is that they were ripped off other sci-fi weapons!  This alternate universe isn’t governed by the laws of physics; it’s governed by (evil music plays) copyright laws!  

Russell
NOOOOO!!!  And you don’t have any weapons that aren’t ripped off other sci-fi weapons?  

Evan
Nope. We’re screwed now!  Butler!  Help!  

Russell
Isn’t he dead?  

Evan
Oh, right, (screams at sky) why’d you have to die now?  I need your help, you moron!  

A bolt of lightning hits Evan.  

Evan
Ouch!  Stupid dead people!  

The priestesses now completely surround them.  

Cristina
Get them!  

Russell
Do something---fast!  

Evan
Butler!  (screams at sky)  I gave you an advance on your next paycheck!  You still have to help me… for today at least!  

A SHIELD GOES UP AROUND THE TRAPPED THREE preventing the evil priestesses from advancing further.  BUTLER’S FIGURE APPEARS inside the force field, facing Evan.  

Evan
Hey, how come you’re not glowing like Obi-Wan Kenobi does in Star Wars?  

Butler
In a universe governed solely by copyright laws you get sued by George Lucas!  (Pokes his finger into Evan’s chest)  You get sued!  Plus you really don’t want to mess with God; he’s really pissed at George Lucas, because he thinks Lucas stole his idea about the dead coming back to life to help the living.  

Evan
Wait; didn’t you come back to life to help me?  

Butler
Nope, I’m undead!  

Russell
Wait a sec; this universe is governed solely by copyright laws?  Then where does the gravity come from?  

Butler
I believe you humans would say “Isaac Newton, duh!”  

Evan
I just had an idea!  It would help us defeat the “dick chicks”, as you called them, Russell!  

Butler
Well, you’d better do it fast; to avoid a lawsuit, I will disappear, and the protective shield will vanish in exactly 47 seconds.  But here, have a compliment of the Heaven Hotel, aka Heaven, a book, the Freeloader’s Guide to the Universes.  

Butler hands Evan a silvery book with the words PANIC NOW! printed in friendly red lettering on the cover; underneath that, it says: “It’s free, and you get what you pay for.”  

Evan
Nice.  This ripped-off book just proves that I can implement my plan.  

Evan takes the nonworking lightsaber he is holding, and peels off the sticker that says lightsaber on the side, he then writes plasmasaber in its place.  

Evan
Hah! (screams at sky while holding the plasmasaber)  now you don’t own this, George Lucas!  

Evan then takes the nonworking phaser he is also holding, and peels off the sticker that says phaser on the side, he then writes laser pistol in its place.  

Evan
Hah! (screams at sky while holding the phaser)  now you don’t own this, William Shatner.  

Butler
By the way, on the outside of the city, there is a flying minivan that can also go to warp.  It’s for you, just don’t say that it goes to warp, make something else up, or else it’ll crash.  That’s what happened to your other spaceship, you said “go to warp” while we were in this alternate universes, and we crashed because of copyright infringement.  

Russell
A flying minivan?  

Butler
It had to be a minivan or else J. K. Rowling would sue me for stealing her idea of having people escape from danger in a flying car.  

Butler’s watch beeps.  

Butler
Ooops, times up.  

The SHIELD GOES DOWN AROUND THE TRAPPED THREE and the evil priestesses begin to advance further.  BUTLER’S FIGURE DISAPPEARS from inside the force field.  Evan tosses the laser pistol to Russell.  

Evan
Attack!  

THEY CHARGE at the ring of priestesses surrounding them, Evan swings viciously with his plasmasaber, and Russell blazes away with his laser pistol.  Several priestesses fall before their onslaught.  

Russell
(Shoots a priestess)  Take that!  (Shoots another priestess)  Death to the Dick Chicks!  (Shoots yet another priestess)  Trying to deprive us of our manhood, take that!  

Cristina
Don’t let them escape; get them!  

Evan
Take this!  
He swings and chops the garden clippers in half with his plasmasaber.  

Cristina
Noooo!  

Isabella
Yes!  Now that you don’t have the Great Garden Clippers, I’m the high priestess.  

All Priestesses
*Grumble*  

Isabella
What?  Don’t you like me; don’t you want me to be the high priestess?  

Cristina
What they mean is that since you’ve been around these boys too long, you’ve lost the will to cut off their dicks, thereby renouncing your claim to be high priestess.  

Isabella
What?  I never said that!  

Cristina
Actions speak louder than words, isn’t that right, priestesses?  

All Priestesses
Um, yeah, sure, whatever.  

Cristina
Good, then, by unanimous popular vote, I’m high priestess, and Isabella shall die.  

Isabella
What?  AAAA!  You wouldn’t!  

Cristina
Kill her!  And those boys too.  

Evan
AAAA!  Let’s get out of here!  

Russell
Run, you idiot!  

Russell grabs Isabella’s arm and half-drags her toward the outskirts of the city, where the flying minivan was promised to be.  Evan runs in back of them, fending off an occasional thrown weapon (knife, sword, or possibly pruning shears) with his plasmasaber.  

Cristina
Faster!  Isabella the heretic is getting away!  

Russell, Isabella and Evan run past a “city limits” sign, and there, as promised is the flying minivan.  

Evan
Quick!  Get in!  

Russell, Isabella and Evan all pile into the van with Evan at the steering wheel.  They lock the doors behind them.  

Evan
Engage um…  something not copyrighted…  Praw Drive!  

Russell
Praw Drive?  

Evan
Praw Drive is Warp Drive with a backwards warp.  

Evan
AAAH! It’s copyrighted!  I just said something copyrighted!  

Russell
Huh?  Nothing happened.  

Isabella
Maybe it only works if you’re in the---  



The DOOR on Evan’s side FLIES OPEAN.  

Evan
What the---?  

EVAN IS rudely EJECTED from the van.  The door then closes again, leaving Evan outside of the protection of the van.  

Van’s Computer
Engaging Praw Drive!  

Evan
(Banging on the outside of the van)  
Hey!  Wait for me!  Wait!  

The drive system engages and THE VAN ZOOMS AWAY in a flash of Star Trek like brilliance.  

Evan
Oh, great!  Now what am I going to do?  

Cristina
Die.  

Evan
Oh, crap…  

Cristina is standing over him, but even worse, SHE IS NOW HOLDING THE PLASMASABER, which fell from Evan’s belt when the car ejected him.  She presses the button, and it turns on, but instead on glowing blue, it’s usual color, it is glowing blood red.  

Cristina
Huh?  Is it supposed to do that?  

Evan
That is interesting isn’t it?  

Cristina
Plasmasabers can be red,
Plasmasabers can be blue,
But both are really gonna hurt,
When I kill you!  

Cristina takes the plasmasaber, raises it over her head, and SHE BRINGS IT DOWN in one fluid motion TO STAB EVAN.  Evan screams from the pain, and then the screen goes black.  

Cut to:




EXT. OUTER SPACE  

Russell and Isabella zoom through space in their flying minivan.  

Russell
Boy am I glad to get out of that hellhole!  

Isabella
That “hellhole” is my home!  

Russell
Yeah, it’s too bad we had to leave, but look at the bright side; I got a cool new laser pistol.  

Isabella
That’s the most insensitive thing I’ve ever heard!  Don’t you even care about what happened to Evan!  Weren’t you two even friends!  

Russell
Yeah, for about a day.  

Isabella
That’s not what I meant!  

Russell
We could be in this spacevan for a long time, so let’s not fight, ok.  

Isabella
That sounds oddly mature coming from a boy.  What’s your ulterior motive?  

Russell
We could be in this spacevan for a long time, so maybe we could… um…  have some fun.  

Isabella
You know, I’m still the high priestess, and as of such, I’m still obliged to cut off your dick if you let me.  

Russell quickly draws his hand back from Isabella.  

Isabella
Works every time.  

Russell
Huh?  

Isabella
Nothing.  

Russell
Hey, look, there’s a planet dead ahead!  

Isabella
I see it too, you don’t have to yell!  

RUSSELL TURNS THE STEERING WHEEL, and begins to head for the planet.  

Isabella
What are you doing?  

Russell
Isn’t it obvious?  I’m taking us there.  

Isabella
But we don’t know what’s there!  There might be swarms of hostile aliens!  

Russell
So?  There’s only one way to find out.  (Under his breath)  It can’t be any worse than the last place I visited.  

Isabella
What did you say?  

Russell
Nothing.  

RUSSELL PUNCHES THE GAS PEDAL DOWN hard, and the van zooms toward the planet.  It enters the atmosphere, and begins to glow from the heat, but fortunately, it’s interior is shielded by alien technology.  

Cut to:




EXT. THE SKY OF ANOTHER LARGE, PINK PLANET---DAY

Russell and Isabella zoom through the sky of an alien world in their flying minivan.  The van breaks through the clouds so that THEY CAN SEE THE GROUND below.   

Russell
Look, there’s something moving down there!  

Isabella
It looks like alien life.  

Russell
I’m setting the van down now.  

THE VAN LANDS with a slight bump.  

Russell
All right!  Time to make some first contact!  

Russell and Isabella jump out of the van and walk over to the surprisingly human-looking alien in front of them.  This new alien is middle age looking, with receding and graying hairline, and other signs of middle age.  

Russell
Hi, my name is Russell.  

Isabella
And I’m Isabella.  

The Alien (Mr. Bob Dole The Zog)  
And I am a Zog.  

Isabella
Currently, we’re a little confused as to our location.  

Russell
What she means is: where the hell are we?  

The Alien (Mr. Bob Dole The Zog)  
You are on the planet Zogark, where everyone has the same name as a politician that ever lived on the miniscule, crappy planet of Earth.  

Russell
Hey!  My planet isn’t crappy!  

The Alien (Mr. Bob Dole The Zog)  
You’re from Earth, hummmmm…  (Licks his lips).  

Russell
You know, I think I’ll be going now.  

The Alien (Mr. Bob Dole The Zog)  
Go? I don’t think so! You must join us for dinner.  

Isabella
(Whispers in Russell’s ear).  
I think we should probably get out of here.  I think he wants to eat us.  

Russell
(Whispers in Isabella’s ear).  

I’m a daring person; I’m going to go with the Zog.  

The Alien (Mr. Bob Dole The Zog)  
Come this way please.  

RUSSELL AND ISABELLA FOLLOW THE ZOG, they walk across dry grass, broken cracked ground, on an area that looks surprisingly like a desert on earth.  

Russell
By the way, what is your name?  

The Alien (Mr. Bob Dole The Zog)  
I am called Bob Dole the Zog and I am named after Bob Dole.  

Russell
Who’s he?  Is he from ancient Rome or something?  

Bob Dole The Zog
No, idiot!  How can you be from Earth and not know who your own politicians are?  My namesake ran against--  

Russell
We’re not in school, you know.  

Russell yawns and walks off, clearly bored.  

Bob Dole The Zog
Oh, never mind.  

The three of them approach a tree, at which the Zog stops, and puts his hand on it.  

Bob Dole The Zog
Touch this tree.  

THE THREE OF THEM TOUCH THE TREE.  Colors swirl before their eyes, and THEY ARE THROWN THROUGH A WORMHOLE.  

Cut to:




INT.  A SMALL ROOM IN AN UNKNOWN LOCATION

Russell and Isabella have just been rudely thrown through a wormhole.  

Russell
Ouch.  Thanks for warning us.  

When their vision clears, Russell and Isabella sit up and see that they are in a small room that looks like it could be the entryway of a house, and there is another door that leads off the main room.  

Bob Dole The Zog
Go through this door and I’ll come for you later.  

Bob Dole The Zog grins broadly.  

Bob Dole The Zog
I think you will like this room.  

HE SHOVES THEM IN, then he closes the door behind him.  

Isabella
Is this room empty?  

Russell
Hello?  Hello?  

Isabella
This room is really dark; someone could kill us before we even knew what was happening.  

Russell
Don’t worry; I've got Evan’s phaser.  If anyone tries to kill us, I’ll vaporize them.  

Russell and Isabella
Oh, crap.  

A person behind Isabella and Russell has a sword to each of their necks.  

Veronica
Why hello, my new victims, I swear that I recognize your voice.  Who are you?  

The lights turn on, and almost immediately the sword withdraws from Russell’s neck.  

Veronica
Russell!  So they caught you too!  

Russell
Yeah, Veronica!  This sucks; I think they’re going to eat us.  

Veronica
No, not yet, they put us in this room to watch us fight each other to death.  (She motions to the camera mounted on the wall.)  If we don’t fight, they will we rape us in the ass, and if we’re not good, or they just don’t like us, then they eat us for dinner.  

Isabella
So, no matter what, we die anyway?  

Veronica
Yep, pretty much, and unless you have a laser weapon like them, you don’t stand a chance of resisting them.  

Russell
Yeah, this really sucks.  

Isabella
Oh, yeah, don’t you have a phaser?  

Russell
Oh, right!  

Veronica
Yeah!  We can get out of here!  

Russell
(Nudges both girls.)  
But we might as well have a little fun before we will probably die.  

Russell continues put the moves on Isabella and Veronica.  

Isabella
You seem to know him, Veronica, was he always this much of a player?  

Veronica
Yes, and being in outer space seems to make him more of one.  

Russell continues to hit on the two girls.  

Isabella
Those swords and other weapons on the wall are starting to look very appealing.  

Veronica
They put those there so that when we start to fight and kill each other, it’s more interesting for them to watch.  

Isabella
Well then, Russell will make quite a show for them won’t he?  

Russell
I don’t think so, you’ve both got swords, and I’ve got this.  

Russell pulls the phaser out of his pocket, and points it at the two girls.  

Veronica
Put that away, we’re not really gonna kill you.  Right Isabella?  

Isabella
Um, right.  

Russell
I’ve got a better idea.  I’ll put this away, if you do something for me.  

Isabella and Veronica
Shut up, Russell.  

Russell
Fine.  

Russell puts the phaser back in his pocket.  

Isabella and Veronica
Thank you.  

Russell
All right, now we can have some fun.  

Bob Dole The Zog
Yes, we can.  

Russell
What?  

Bob Dole The Zog
The three of you won’t fight each other and interest us in that way, so now it’s time to amuse ourselves in other ways.  

Isabella and Veronica
Oh, no, you can’t be serious!  

Russell
You won’t do anything to these girls, because there’s no bigger pervert than me!  

Bob Dole The Zog
You may be the biggest pervert, but I’m bigger I other ways.  

Russell
Oh, yeah, why don’t you prove it!  

Bob Dole The Zog
Ok.  

Bob Dole The Zog begins to unbuckle his belt.  

Russell
AAAAAA!  No, I didn’t mean it!  

Bob Dole The Zog
Ok, it’s time for the penetration.  

Russell
You leave me no choice.  Have some moonshine!  

Russell bends over and prepares to pull down his pants, his butt facing the Zog.  

Bob Dole The Zog
Yay, liquor!  My third favorite thing in the world, right behind watching people kill each other for sport, and raping people.  

Veronica
So, you want to see someone die?  

Bob Dole The Zog
Yes, girls, have a catfight.  

Veronica
Here’s some death for you!  

Veronica pulls the phaser out of Russell’s pocket and SHOOTS THE ZOG, vaporizing him.  

Russell
Nice shot.  

Russell hits on Isabella and Veronica again.  Veronica points the phaser at Russell’s head.  

Veronica
Shut up right now; do you get my drift?  

Russell
Yeah, ok.  Hey, the door’s open, let’s go.  

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica all run out of the room and into a long hallway.  

Cut to:




INT.  A LONG HALLWAY IN AN UNKNOWN LOCATION

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica all walk through a long hallway with many doors.  

Veronica
Well, let’s just go though one.  

RUSSELL OPEANS A DOOR, and the three of them enter some sort of meeting room.  There was a long table in the room, and posters adorned the otherwise bare walls.  Most of them crudely, hand drawn nonsense, full of phrases like:  “Kill!  Kill!”  “Explosives are a Zog’s friend!” and “watching people fight each other to the death is fun!”  There also were two posters that left the three of them aghast, and they read:  “Earth and humans are delicious,” with a big picture of a human served up for dinner, and Earth above it with a huge bite taken out of it.  The other picture showed the simply scrawled words: “The conquest of Earth is invertible!  Death to all humans!”  

Veronica
Oh, crap…  

Russell
Ya know, Earth is starting to look like not such a nice place after all.  I know I said that I didn’t like it before, but can we go back and live on your planet, Isabella?  

Veronica
Me too!  

Isabella
You seem to be forgetting that neither of us can ever go back there, Russell.  

Russell
Oh, right…  

Veronica
What happened there?  

Russell and Isabella
Don’t ask.  

FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD, coming from the door at the other end of the room.  

Veronica
Quick, we need to hide!  

Russell
Behind here.  

Russell lifts up a curtain, and THEY ALL HIDE behind it.  The ZOGS ALL START TO FILE IN AND SIT DOWN.  

Veronica
Oh crap, it looks like they’re having some sort of meeting.  It’ll be forever before we can get out of here.  

Russell and Isabella
Shhh!  Not so loud!  

Another human comes in the room, and Russell, Isabella, and Veronica can all see him through the curtain.  He looks very muscular, he is wearing a black shirt with a brown jacket and his hat is red, with sickles and hammers crudely painted on.   Fortunately for Russell, Isabella, and Veronica, all the Zogs start jeering at him, and it becomes so loud in there that the Zogs would not have noticed them behind the curtain if they had yelled.  

Veronica
It’s the commie!  

Russell
A commie?  I thought they all died after their leader, Hitler, was killed.  

Veronica
Hitler wasn’t their leader.  

Russell
Yeah, he was.  

Veronica
Did you ever take history, Russell?  

Russell
I’m that good at it, huh?  

The Commie Zog
My faithful Zogs we have given you great advances in technology and now we ask it of you to help us.  We need your help to take over Earth.  

The Other Zogs
No duh, we already know that.  

The Commie Zog
No, what we mean is that since our largest communist nation fell, there’s really no hope for a human-based takeover of Earth.  You love to fight and kill, so that is why we gave you these advances in technology, so that you could help us take over Earth.  

The Other Zogs
Nice, new technology and killing people, what more could we ask for?  

Russell and Veronica
They’re not going to get away with this.  

Isabella
And what exactly do you propose that we do about them?  

Veronica
This.  

Veronica pulls Russell’s phaser out of where she had been keeping it safe in her pocket, and fires several blasts straight through the curtain, hitting and VAPORIZING SEVERAL OF THE ZOGS.  

All Of The Zogs
What?  Where are those blasts coming from?  

The Commie Zog
Behind that curtain, get them!  

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica run as fast as they can toward a door at the other end of the room.  Veronica continues to fire her phaser, vaporizing another Zog.  

The Commie Zog
Get them!  

All Of The Zogs
You will die a horribly painful death now!  All humans will!  

The three of them duck through the doorway into the other room.  

Russell
Wow, to think that if I hadn’t drunken that Red Bull, none of this would have happened.  

Veronica
Concentrate on the Zogs, Russell.  

Russell
But how can I when there are so much more interesting things to concentrate on.  

Russell stares at Veronica’s breasts.  Veronica points the phaser at Russell’s head.  

Veronica
Cut it out now, or you’re going back in that room with all the Zogs.  Get my drift?  

Russell
I won’t look at your breasts any more.  

Russell turns his staring gaze toward Isabella’s breasts.  

Veronica and Isabella
Sigh, men…  

Now the Zogs begin to break down the door with an ax, thwarting all of Veronica and Isabella’s attempts to stop Russell from being such a pervert.  

Russell
Keep running!  

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica run as fast as they can and run through another doorway into yet another room.  

Cut to:




INT.  A SMALL ROOM IN AN UNKNOWN LOCATION

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica RUN INTO YET ANOTHER ROOM.  This room is filled with many different weapons.  

Veronica
This must be the armory.  

Russell immediately goes over to a rack of weapons and starts stuffing everything his greedy hands can reach into his backpack.  

Isabella
That’s not a good idea, those could be burglar alarmed.  

Russell brandishes all the weapons he had just taken.  

Russell
I’d like to see them try to stop me, Isabella.  

Isabella
Hey!  Look at that!  

On the wall was a big red button that said: Do Not Press.  

Russell walks over as if to press it.  

Veronica
That is a really bad idea.  

Russell
Oh, come on, you think that the Zogs, no matter how retarded they are, are going to leave the self-destruct button out in the open?  It’s probably just a decoy.  

Veronica
I don’t think so; this isn’t the armory, it’s the general’s office.  

Russell
Oh yeah, how do you know, “miss Veronica, the all-knowing”?  

Veronica
It’s on this map.  

Isabella
What map?  

Veronica
The one I found on his desk.  It clearly labels this room as the ‘General’s Office’, and if anyone’s going to have the self-destruct button for the entire base in their office, it’s going to be him.  

Isabella
Good point, but how do we know that that is the self-destruct button.  All it says on it is: Do Not Press.  

Veronica
Yeah, you’re right, it might just summon the general’s personal stripper, who he doesn’t want anyone else to see, and so the button says:  Do Not Press.  

Russell’s face lightens up at the mention of the word ‘stripper’.  He walks over to the button again to press it.  

Russell
Sometimes you two have some really good ideas.  

Veronica
Russell!  Don’t press it!  

Russell
Nothing you say can stop me.  

Isabella
What if the general is female, or gay, and it’ll be a male stripper.  

Russell quickly takes his hand from the button, and shrinks away from it as if he is now afraid of it.  Isabella winks at Veronica.  

Now the Zogs begin to break down this door with their ax.  

Russell
If you won’t let me do something like press the button, then you do something about them!  

The door flies open, and THE ZOGS BREAK IN.  

Veronica
Yes, do something now!  Press the button!  

RUSSELL PRESSES THE BUTTON, and two men jump out of a closet, and run toward the Zogs, removing their shirts in the process.  

All Of The Zogs
We can’t stand to see penises larger than our own!  Run away!  

THE ZOGS ALL RUN AWAY, with the male strippers in hot pursuit.  

Veronica
I’d call that hot pursuit!  

Isabella
Yeah, whoever that general was, they sure had taste for men.  

Russell
Now you’re just trying to piss me off.  

Veronica
You deserve it.  

THE ZOGS GUARDS RUN BACK INTO THE ROOM, brandishing newly bloodied weapons.  The lead guard flashes his bloody dagger and twirls his pistol.  

Head Zog Guard
Your stripper attack was useless against our knives and guns.  Now you will suffer their deliciously horrible fate.  

Isabella
You mean that you ate them?  That’s sick!  

Russell
It’s what they did to them before they ate them that worries me.  

Isabella
You’re pretty sick too.  

Russell
Well they were strippers, weren’t they?  Who knows what a Zog might want to do to a human, male stripper.  

Veronica chuckles slightly, but this seems to make the Zog guards all the more infuriated.  

Head Zog Guard
We’ve let them talk for long enough, kill them now!  

The Zogs draw their weapons; swords, knives, and guns flash in the air.  

Russell
I know I’ve never wished for something like this before, and I never will again, but please summon more male strippers, my friend, big red button.  Please!  Please!  Please!  

RUSSELL PRESSES THE BUTTON, his fingers tightly crossed.  But instead of a bunch of male strippers running out of another door, a computerized voice says something that strikes terror into all their hearts.  

Computerized Voice
Nuclear apocalypse in 30 seconds.  

Head Zog Guard
30 seconds!  Isn’t it supposed to be 30 minutes?  

Computerized Voice
Well, I’m so bored around here, what with nobody to talk to, and everybody ignoring me.  So I figured, when somebody activates the detonation sequence, I’ll just detonate in 30 seconds rather than 30 minutes, so I won’t have to be as bored for so long.  

Russell
That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard of!  

Computerized Voice
No, it’s not.  Better to die sooner than later, in my case anyway.  And speaking of dieing sooner than later, you’ve got 10 seconds left to live.  So, I’ve made you a wormhole in that door that the male strippers just came through.  It leads back to you home universe and Earth, and if I got the coordinates right, to the house of a friend of yours, Russell.  By the way, 5 seconds left till the nuclear apocalypse.  

Russell
Run!  To the door!  

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica, with the Zog guards following, RUN THROUGH THE DOOR AND INTO A WORMHOLE.  They all fall and fall in swirls of color until they all see a light appear ahead.  

Cut to:




INT.  THE KITCHEN OF ALEX’S HOUSE---DAY

ALEX’S MOM OPENS THE DOOR of the refrigerator.  Out pours Russell, Isabella, Veronica, and all of the Zog guards, running as fast as they can into the kitchen.  Chris Mukensnable appears to be about to have a hard time believing that she is fully awake, and grasps the edge of the counter for support.  

Head Zog Guard
Engage your grabber rifles, my Zog troops, kill them now!  

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica run out of the kitchen as fast as they can, with the Zog guards following close behind.  Alex’s mom just stands there, baffled, muttering to herself.  

Alex’s Mom
Am I dreaming or did over half a dozen people just run out of my refrigerator?  

Cut to:




INT.  A CLOSET IN ALEX’S HOUSE---DAY

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica are all hiding in a closet somewhere in Alex’s house, while the Zogs walk right by their hiding place.  

Veronica
Why are we running and hiding?  We don’t even know what grabber rifles are!  

Isabella
She has a point, Russell.  You’re just chicken.  

Russell
Did I say anything against it?  

Veronica
Then we attack them on three, got it, remember you still have all those weapons that you stole from their planet.  Ready, one, two…  

Russell
Wait!  

Isabella
So you are scared.  

Russell
No, that’s not it!  Well… remember when those male strippers ran at the Zogs, well I dropped all the weapons that I was carrying so that I could shield my eyes.  

Isabella
Great, so now the only one with a weapon is Veronica, and all she has is the phaser that she stole from you.  

Russell
Can I have my phaser back now?  

Veronica
No, you’d just be too scared to kill them anyway, I’ll handle this.  

The other ZOG GUARDS LEAVE THE ROOM, leaving only one, meant just to keep watch.  

Veronica
Perfect.  

She fries the phaser, a perfect shot, which hit the Zog square in the chest so that he sank to the ground dead.  

Russell
Nice shot.  

Veronica
And everyone says that men make better soldiers.  Hah!  

THEY WALK OUT of their hiding place in the closet, and just as they do so, THE ZOG GUARDS WALK INTO THE ROOM.  Barely taking notice of their fallen comrade, the Zog guards raise devices that have the long arm and are usually used to grab things off high places.  But these each have a bolt of lightning arcing between both parts of the claw of the grabber.  

Russell
Whoa!  Kitchen devices with attitude!  

Zog Guard
No, foolish human, these are grabber rifles.  

Russell
But they look just like those things that people use to grab things off high places.  

Head Zog Guard
Well, I suppose that these could be used for that, but this is what grabber rifles are supposed to be used for.  

The Head Zog Guard fires his grabber rifle, and the bolt of lightning nearly hits Russell, but he ducks out of the way just in time.  Russell then proceeds to bend to his knees, and plead with the Zog guard.  The Zogs, thinking that they have their human prey, lower their weapons.  

Russell
Oh, I’ll do anything you ask, just please, please, please don’t kill me!  

Head Zog Guard
Fighting me one moment, pleading for you life the next, man humans are pathetic, I don’t---  

But just at that moment, another one of the Zog guards falls to the floor, dead.  The Head Zog Guard looks first at Russell, then at Veronica, who is holding Russell’s phaser.  

Head Zog Guard
What the?  

Veronica
They’re confused, run!  

In the brief time that it takes to raise their grabber rifles, Russell, Isabella, and Veronica DART OUT THE DOOR, and slam it closed and brace it behind them.  

Isabella
Whew.  That was close.  

Veronica
Yeah, Russell, thanks for faking to be pleading for your life with the Head Zog Guard, so that I had time to draw my phaser and fire.  

Russell
Yeah, boy it took a lot of acting talent to fake plead with that Zog.  I guess I’m just a really good actor.  And by the way that’s my phaser.  

Veronica
Yes, yes, your phaser.  But that was surprisingly noble, for your perverted mind, I mean, putting your life in danger for the sake of others.  

Russell
Yes, noble, I guess I am.  Me, noble; it has a nice ring to it.  So I guess that being perverted is good after all.  

Veronica
Maybe sometimes.  

Russell
You said it, not me, under your own free will, too!  

Russell turns his head and fixes his gaze on Veronica’s breasts.  

Veronica
Not all the time.  

Isabella
If you’re starting to fall for him just because of that, you should realize that he wasn’t faking, he was really pleading for his life.  

Russell
Isabella!  I was about to score!  

Veronica
No, trust me, you weren’t.  

Russell
Awww…  

All of Russell’s attempts to score were suddenly thwarted by the bending and than sudden snapping of the single wooden support that they had placed against the door to stop the Zogs from getting out.  

Russell
Oh, crap…  

Veronica
Run!  

Russell, Isabella, and Veronica RACE DOWN THE STAIRS at top speed, while THE ZOGS BREAK OUT OF THE ROOM.  The Head Zog Guard sees part of Russell’s legs disappear out of sight downstairs.  

Head Zog Guard
There’re downstairs!  After them!  

All the Zog guards RACE DOWN THE STAIRS after them, their funny-looking compilations of human clothes billowing after them.  

Cut to:




INT.  THE LIVING ROOM OF ALEX’S HOUSE---DAY

Alex and his mom, Chris Mukensnable, are sitting on the couch in the living room, calmly talking about the strange experience Chris had in the kitchen earlier.  

Alex Mukensnable
Mom, are you sure that you really saw over half a dozen people run out of the refrigerator earlier?  

Chris Mukensnable
Yes, and one of them was one of your friends, Russell, I think it was.  

Alex
The major problem is that it’s impossible to fit that many people in a refrigerator.  

But just at that moment, Russell, Isabella, and Veronica RUN INTO THE LIVING ROOM.  

Alex
Russell!  What’s going on here?  Who are these two--?  

Russell
Run!  Alien Zo